Humbling

I'm at that stage at work right now where I can basically do nothing right. My newness has worn off and they aren't as forgiving for the mistakes I make. It's extremely frustrating because I KNOW I can do the job and I KNOW I'm not an idiot... But I make stupid mistakes because I can't understand what they are asking me to do. I feel like some people are still being patient with me and understanding about the language thing, but others are becoming less patient. The last two days in particular have been challenging and I can feel the frustration of others towards me. It's a sucky feeling. If I could only express to them that I really am trying, I'm not an idiot and I if I could understand the directions asked of me, all of this would be better. Ahhhh!!

It's a very humbling experience to not be able to explain or defend myself. It's teaching me a lot about handling situations in general. Since I am not able to defend myself clearly, I stand back and take the criticism or blame even though I KNOW better or that it wasn't even my fault. I sit back and I take it. Everytime. Because I don't know the words or have the capability to defend myself. Its humbling to say the least but also eye opening because I realized that sometimes saying absolutely nothing or accepting the criticism regardless of how I feel is better than anything I cold possibly say. Sometimes, it's better to just keep my mouth shut. And its not until the frustration subsides that I see this. I look back and think of all the things I could have said and thank god I just kept my trap shut. Sometimes, it's jot worth the argument. And at the end of all this, they may or may not misjudge me and see me as an idiot, they may or may not see me as slow or inexperienced, but they sure as hell will never see me as someone who argues or talks back. I'll be the person that always nodded their head, accepted the situation and kept going. I'm hoping thos phase dies out soon because it's wearing on me. To always be wrong, or too slow, or making dumb mistakes that I know better of but can't seem to overcome.

On a positive note, aside from work, living here is pretty cool. It's a different way of life and really sets my priorities in order. I have no tv, wifi on rare occassons and nothing but work and sleep to fill my day. My favorite thing to do now is walk to work for my second shift, listen to Ray Lamontagne on my iPod, and watch the most beautiful sunset as I hike the mountain to the kitchen. Il tramonto é sempre molto bello. Bellissimo!!! It's always breathtakingly orange and red and it always sets just beyond the landscape of incredibly beautiful white rolling hills (now somewhat green because the snow is melting). :) I feel like I live in a bubble. I am so out of touch with current events, I didn't know it was march 1st or that yesterday was leap year. I have no idea what is going on in LA and only know about my work here. Everyday, I only know my to-do list. That's it. Haha it's a little strange getting used to, if I'll ever get used to it but I must admit, it's a nice change. To only know about what's going on in front of me. I couldn't live like this forever, but for now, it's nice. I'm extremely focused on what I'm learning, I suppose. It's like my culinary school since I never went.

When I don't work, I walk 20 minutes one way to do laundry. Im definitely asking someone to drive me next time since San Marino is a town on a hill. I also drink beer, learn traditional Italian pasta dishes, and learn italian bad words in the car when ALWAYS lost with Riccardo. Hahaha he is my neighbor, coworker, and a genuinely honest and generous person. I also go to the nearby town of Rimini to have amazing pizza (made with fresh leavening, a huge difference) with Danilo (linguine), Betty (fresca mama), and Sergio (palline). Their nicknames developed somehow instantly and stuck. :) San Marino is feeling more and more comfortable as I get in to the swing of things. My Italian speaking seems like its taking the longest time but I suppose that's just me being impatient. Everyone keeps telling me that it gets better and I can't wait any longer for that to happen. Haha ahhhhh!!!

Anyways, I'm done drooling over the most beautiful man in the world at this cafe and need to put my iPod on, walk to work and watch the sunset. Ciao!