9-5

So my husband said something today that I've heard a million times before... But the way he worded it sounded so much better than any version I've ever thought of. He said that you have to love what you do. You have to have passion for your work because then it makes it seem like your not working. You're still living. He said he has friends that hate their work or their job and they can't wait for the weekend to really live. He told me that he wants to live everyday and doing what he loves allows him to do that. Cooking makes him feel alive everyday. Not just on his days off, but every time his hands touch food. That's a powerful thing. Powerful to be able to find something that you have a deep passion for. But also powerful that food has the ability to make someone feel alive. Or maybe some days, it's not the actual food as an ingredient, but the ability to craft something with your hands that gives others so much pleasure. Knowing that what you've created and put time and thought and love into has the ability to create an unforgettable experience for someone else. Or that it can transport people to different times or places with the taste or smell of something that you've created. Igniting other peoples senses. It takes a unique individual to appreciate food in that manner, but that's a whole different story. Different entry all together. My husband reminded me of why I'm proud to do what I do. And he reminded me that although there are many difficulties in pursuing an art form, the payoff is in your personal satisfaction. Whether or not you feel alive. I am thankful I don't work a 9-5 office job

New beginnings

I want to write. And I want to write something good. Something worthwhile. I'm not traveling anymore but that doesn't mean my life isn't exciting and that nothing is happening. Infact, my life is full of adventure. Still. In America, at home, living with my parents, my life's still full of adventure. And I guess that just means its all in how you look at it. I don't know about you but my glass is half full.... I know, ask me this question on a Tuesday morning (when my work week starts at 6am) and I might say something different. But in the long run, in the big picture, in my absolute calm state of mind, my glass is half full. Maybe 3/4 full. Because my life long dreams (yes, I know I'm only 24) have been seen, accomplished, lived. I traveled to Europe, all around Europe, and struggled, felt, explored, and loved every minute of it. I came home and fell deeply in love with someone on the other side of the world, where I JUST came back from after discovering so much about myself, the world, people and life. I was compelled to go back to Europe, making the best decision of my life because I successully took the risk of following love and not my career, which I had always sworn against. But it was the best decision I've made. I fell even deeper into a relationship that seemed so unrealistic and yet so possible and also so very easy. I came back and not only married the man of my dreams that I took with me from Europe but also planted my feet flat on the ground, back wherei started yet completely different, and worked. I cooked with new information, new knowledge and most importantly, a whole new confidence that I had never felt before.i finally felt like one of the other cooks. Like I knew just as much, if not maybe a hair more, than everyone around me. It was the first time I felt like could be put on any station and actually survive AND produce good food. I always had a insecurity: not feeling equal in my experience/knowledge to successfully cook as well as the others. And maybe that's my own insecurity. Or MAYBE it's something all cooks go through and either we naturally hit a point where we finally feel stable and confident or we have experienced something greater than we ever imagined and we just feel more comfortable without own instincts. Imaging with the latter. I just feel more comfortable with myself and my cooking skills. Ask me to cook apiece of fish, create a salad, plate a pasta, season a steak, or whatever and I know exactly what to do. Maybe it's not perfect but I feel comfortable doing it. And maybe these things sound easy to you, but to a cook, it's a completely different level of expectation. Whatever, I feel comfortable, whereas before, would doubt myself or question whether or to tis was the right way or if I even KNEW how to do it. I've come a long way.i am a cook. I feel it. It's in my blood. And although I considered changing careers after coming back from Europe (wine service, mangement, something that makes more money), I can't happily stray from cooking. I can't disown what's so natural,what flows through me, what I think about, dream about, smell and place on a pedestal. I can't. So I returned to more cooking where ive learned authentic Italian cooking at Angelini sinceive been back. But now I'm on a new adventure. I am the new sous chef at cliffs edge in silverlake. I've never been a sous chef and that restaurant has never had a sous chef.so I guess it's a new experience for us all. :) I'm ready. Bring it. I'm scared,I'm prepared, I'm nervous, I'm confident, I'm everything a newbie should be. I'm fresh blood again. I love new beginnings

Magic tricks

So this past weekend in fano, after sharing a bottle of wine and having a spiked espresso, I told Ricky that I wanted to drive the bike with him on the center bar. I got on and he begged me to be careful. I said yeah yeah, get on... So he got on. I put one foot on the pedal and the other tried to kick off for a head start before being placed on the other pedal. He begged again, be careful. I didn't get my second foot on the other pedal before we lost balanced and went crashing to the ground. We were laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. He got up to take pictures of me, laying on the ground grabbing my butt, and we both laughed ourselves sick. The police stopped by to see if I was ok. Won't be trying that again. My green and purple butt says not to. And as far as work goes...I feel like I understand more, but it's still not enough. Once I know what is being asked of me, I'm fine. The work itself is fairly easy... If I don't know how, they show me and I rarely ever screw something up. But it's getting the directions correct in the first place that is the most challenging. And it's almost impossible to tell them "hey, please speak slow" when tickets are piling up and orders need to get done. :/ if anyone knows of a way to speed up a learning process, I'm all ears. And yeah, practice practice practice. I am. I need a magic trick at this point.

Arrivo!!!

OMG!!!! La prima volta ho wifi!!! Cazzo! San marino è una città di merde!! But seriously, I'm back. I. AM. BACK!!! =O After a 20ish hour flight (I had 3 layovers), I finally arrived in bologna where Ricky, my boyfriend, was suppose to meet me. I had not seen him in 3 months and was excited to the point where I was shaking when I stepped off the plane. My hands couldn't grip my bag and my knees felt like they were going to give any second. I go through customs, get my bag and exit into the main room (it's one big room for the entire airport since is very small). I quickly look for his smiling face and I'm so nervous I figure I can't see him. So I scan the room again, and nothing. There was a large crowd of people waiting in one area and I was sure he was one in the crowd... I just couldn't see him. But then, I glanced down and saw a neon blue sign propped up against the wall that said "Ashley Jeanne Cramer, look for the next color"... And the second my face lit up with a smile, the crowd of people looked back at me and smiled. They knew something that I didn't. So I see another sign and it directs me to another sign. I stop at a neon yellow sign that says "stop here... Can you hear my heart beating?" and my jaw drops and I cover my mouth. I don't see Ricky and I started to giggle at how ridiculously romantic this boy is. People are smiling back at me, people I don't know, and I become more nervous than before. But as soon as I turn around... "ciao amore" greets me with a bouquet of roses/lillys (he remembered my favorites) and I get a glimpse of his adorable face before I am suffocated in the biggest bear hug I have ever had. It was a good suffocation. I didn't need to breath in that moment... It was too perfect as it was. I hear a few "awww"s and my eyes well up, buti don't care. I'm in his arms again, after 3 very long months. I kept hugging him because I couldn't believe he was actually here in front of me. Walking out to the car, I realized he felt he same when he said " if this is all a dream, please don't wake me." :) :O I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!?!? Alright, so I spent my first day and half in fano, Italy, Ricky's hometown. We went to have an aperitif on the beach with two of his friends who made me feel very comfortable and welcome. The aperitif/bar/beach thing they have going on in fano is amazing! What a cute little city!! I met his amazing parents who immediately made me feel at home! They are absolutely wonderful! We sat down at the kitchen table for dinner and.... His mom had made passatelli AND piadina with squacquerone, my two absolute favorite traditional dishes!! How did she know?? Ricky told her. :) it was delicious and a great first meal. The next day, we went to the beach to lay out and swim. But upon leaving his home, Ricky told me that we were going to use a bike to go instead of his car because parking is impossible. I didn't mind, so I agreed and thought " I don't remember the last time I rode a bike, but I don't think it's something you forgot how to do". So he pulls one bike out of the garage and locks the garage up. I look at him. And then ask him where my bike was. He points to the bike he pulled out of the garage. So when he said we were going to use A bike to go, he really meant A bike. One. And I laugh so hard and tell him it's impossible. He calls me crazy and says its totally normal in Italy. He gets on, and tells me to go on one side and sit down on the bar in front of the seat, behind the handle bars. I tell him he is crazy, it won't work. And we take off! His arms are on the handlebars on either side of me, and his seat is high enough so that my head rests on his chest. It's really possible. He wove in and out of Italian car traffic as I screamed, twitched and feared for my life. He was laughing the entire way. I saw other couples doing the same thing, two people on a bike. So I guess it is totally normal and I am crazy. When in Rome/fano, do as they do, right? So we got to the beach in one piece. Omgggg!!! Italian beaches!!! Beautiful!! Italy in the summer is completely different from Italy in the winter. Completely. I am totally in love with italy in the summer. Its a different vibe, it's beautiful, is relaxing, and it is hottttt!!! I am still getting used to it. But we went to the beach, laid out, swam and then took another bike ride down the street to a restaurant where his mom cooks at. THE FOOD!! My god!!! The food!!! Stringhetti pasta and then a plate of freshly breaded and grilled fish and shellfish =O we went back to the beach and then back home to have dinner with his parents again, tagliata with rucola. After, we headed back to San Marino for work the next day. My alarm went off at 720am. I instantly remembered what this all felt like. My Italian vacation, all 2 days of it, was over. Back to work. And I was nervous. I don't know why except for that I knew what I was getting myself into this time and I knew it was difficult. We climbed the familiar mountain and entered the familiar kitchen. I saw the familiar faces and this time, I was able to speak to them. Not much, but more than I was able to on my first day in February. Its an incredible feeling. But don't get me wrong, I am no way fluent or even able to understand most conversations. I just mean that I can finally see my own progress in learning another language and it feels good. They even complimented me on my progress... And compliments here are hard to come by. :) and for those of you who remember, this next sentence is for you...I am NOT joking when I say: guess what was waiting for me to clean when I stepped in the kitchen? What white box was sitting on the counter just calling my name? Screaming my name! That's right, the cuttlefish box. And guess who tried to avoid it for as long as possible but got called to clean it anyways? Yup, this girl right here. Hahahaha! My life. This is my life.:) After two days of work, my body started to ache like it did three months ago. When my alarm goes off in the morning, I do the same moan and groan that I did three months ago. I am back... Back to working my ass off. Literally. And I'm exhausted, always. But, I'm not going to complain. Because this time feels so different from the last time. I feel like I have a very small grip on the language, but enough to where I can communicate a little and I know that through this, I will learn a lot more. I got moved to the downstairs kitchen where its is an Osteria that has a much faster pace and very traditional dishes. I am extremely excited about this change. Its a beautiful summer, not a snowy winter. And I am also spending every second with someone I can't get enough of. I'm sorry for all the mushiness, but it is what it is. I'm in Italy for the gorgeous summer AND I'm totally in love. :D besides some sleep, what more do I need??

Adventure #2

So.... Three months are winding down once again. My three months here in the states are done. I'm about to journey into round two of my European adventure. Except this time, I have completely different goals, expectations, and fears. This time is going to be different. Not even comparable to the last adventure for many reasons. 1- this time, I go straight to work. There is no traveling around first and then starting work in the middle of my trip. I go straight for it, head on. 2- I know what I'm getting myself into this time, more or less. Yeah, it will be a different experience with new challenges, but for the most part, I know what's in store for me. Which is actually both a blessing and a curse. It's great to know and feel comforted by the fact that I've done this, seen this and felt this all before... but what comes with that is the memory of knowing when it gets rough, it can be really really rough. No joke. I learned from last time that being completely removed from the comforts of home, a persons patience, strength, endurance and instincts are put to the test. Pushed and shoved even. Don't get me wrong, I am ready for this... But the memories of some of the rough moments are vivid and still fresh which makes me believe that ignorance sometimes really is bliss. 3- I am not going into this adventure with Ashleigh. I will be alone. But even that is half a lie... I will not be alone exactly. Which brings me to: 4- this time, I will have someone waiting for me at the gates when I land. Someone I have grown to adore deeply and appreciate immensely. Someone who is equally excited to see me as I am to see them. And someone who has shown me that life isn't just about work and persuing a career, but for having a love for life itself...to not be your own prisoner. This person has opened my heart after it was closed for so long. He has told me that trust isn't easy but it's still very possible. He challenges me and my stubbornness and makes me change my mind about things that ive been absolutely positive on. And he appreciates me, the way I am. It is no secret that a lot of my decision for doing adventure #2 is because of reason 4. Which may sound crazy! The Ashley back in December/January would've called me crazy. Ridiculous even. But I guess this is where we can recognize the changes I've experienced from within. Because I really don't think this is crazy. It's necessary. I must see where this road takes me. Its wayyy too strong to forget about. And its also oh SO heart warming to think of the moment that I land in Bologna at 12:35pm on July 8th and am reunited with Mr. Paolinelli. After 3 months... I will finally get to hug the person that has convinced me that love is worth the risks. So I sit here on America's Independence day, hearing the distant booms of the fireworks, and ponder my near future in Italia. Funny. For me, there is no place like home. But I want to get out and experience another life style and culture before I can feel any more comfortable here. I want to know what's out there and how other people live. And I want to know it well. I AM GOING BACK TO ITALY!!! :O Aside from my fears, I will be surrounded by amazing food, rich culture and history, and people that have a passion for living. I am excited for so many reasons: Ricky, cooking at Righi, eating piadina and squacquerone, Italian beaches. But I am MOST excited to be removed, once again, from my comforts and forced to think outside the box that I know too well. I live to be challenged... It's my addiction. I will be able to further my adventure into the discovery of myself, after I thought I learned everything I could possibly learn. I am going deeper into an experience that will not only benefit my career but also benefit my soul. I am fortunate. I am so lucky. Which makes all my fears and concerns minuscule and not important. I have way more to gain than to lose, so what is left to fear? As far as I'm concerned, adventure number 2 will be just as life altering as adventure number 1, just in a different perspective. I am jumping in, going head on. Ready and willing. Bring it. Because I know that life would not steer me in this direction if I was not ready. Adventure 1 and the aftermath prepared me for adventure 2 so I can only imagine what is in store for me. :D

Where the wind is

Alright, here is where I am. Have you ever felt like you haven't been somewhere long enough to feel like youre family, like you belong? And at the same time, have you ever felt like you have been away from a place too long to feel that you don't belong anymore? Maybe it's just me, and I'm really not trying to sound dramatic, but it's really how I feel. I feel like I live in a bubble. Since I've been back, I don't quite belong anywhere. I don't elong where I used to be anymore and I don't belong where I want to be quite yet. I'm in this really weird middle area. Maybe it's me separating myself from everything...maybe it my own paranoia, but I really don't feel a sense of belonging anywhere. I wake up, do my thing, keep to myself and I literally live in a bubble. I'm physically here in LA but I'm not really here. I feel so spaced out all the time, like I am in another world, and it's sometimes scary how I don't remember things. I am counting down the days until I go back to Italy... My mind is already there, and I think my heart is too. So the only thing that is here in LA is this shell of a body, and I realize that's no way to live. It's not ok to live somewhere in order to pass the time to get to your next destination. I know I should be living here, while I am here. I should live life. But I can't help this bubble feeling, this passing time feeling, and this shell feeling. I don't know how to snap out of it and I don't know what can make me feel like I am actually here. And at the end of it all, I don't know if I want to change this feeling. Do I want to be here right now? It's really really odd, this mindset that I am in right now. Like I, my soul and heart, are separated from my physical being and I am looking at myself. Debbie told me its the growing phase that I'm still going through. And I believe her because it makes sense... But I didn't know it would feel this odd. And foreign. I started reading "the sun also rises" by Ernest Hemingway... I'm in to these classic authors and poets nowadays because I feel like the closer I get to self realization and awareness, the further I get from immediate surroundings and the closer I relate to abstract thoughts Haha. Anyways, I opened the book and my jaw dropped. On the page in the beginning of the book, where the author dedicates or thanks someone, Hemingway quoted Ecclesiastes saying "...the wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits..." !!!!! My god! That sounds familiar! Sounds like the quote that I blogged about in "living" on 1/18/12 after seeing it engraved on the side of the Westminster Abbey in London. I read it, and put the book down. As so much has changed between now and then, so many things are different and I have a new set of priorities, the quote still means the same to me. That I am currently on this journey, this wild journey. I am still whirling about, whirling continuously. It's strange how life shows you something and then reminds you of it after you have nearly forgotten it and yet, it still has the same meaning after everything has changed. This quote was revealed to me in London, at a time where it made perfect sense... And I have since nearly forgotten about it until today. I read it, and although everything is different, it still made perfect sense. I don't know why the world works the way it does but it's timing is impeccable. Now... Let me return to my bubble

Push itttttt!!!

I've been awake for the last 20 hours. I've worked for 16 of them and the other 4 were spent randomly, either getting ready for my day, driving to work or ending my day with friends and a margarita. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired but I find myself without the ability to close my eyes and fall asleep because I have this one nagging thought. This one thought is running through my mind and MUST be so important that it is keeping me from resting.

I made money today for the first time this year (no, this isn't the thought keeping me awake... I'm getting to that). I have been home for almost one month, not quite, and I've done nothing but worry, question, obsess and complain about the fact that I have no money and no source of income. I had just enough money left from my European adventure to buy my next ticket to Italy to start another adventure; I could afford to get there but had no idea of how I would stay there. After coming back, I was so mixed about where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do next that I threw myself into the closest thing I could find to Italy. Well... I've spent the last three weeks working for free for Angelini Osteria because I WANTED to be there so bad. Gino told me he wasn't currently hiring, but it didnt matter to me. I kept showing up because he was the closest to Italy I was going to get and I wanted HIS experience so much that money was secondary. In the mean time, I constantly told chef Chris that if he needed an extra hand at Mozza, I would be available because I needed the money. For the last three weeks, I've been stressing out about how my next trip to Italy financially would work. I cried about it. And I tried thinking of all my possible options of making money while in the mean time, working for free somewhere, because I valued the experience, and praying that my help was needed. I just kept going and I didn't stop. I wanted to make money and I wanted to keep gaining experience, so I pushed, despite what I was told.

And THAT is the thought that is keeping me awake. To push and to keep pushing. Because the world is going to push you and not stop. It's going to push you until you think you've reached your limit or are just sick of being pushed. But... NEVER. STOP. PUSHING. BACK! Ever. And by push, I don't mean to resist what the world is pushing at you. I simply mean that whatever cards are dealt to you, do whatever it takes to make them work in your favor. and don't stop. I've seen people that stop pushing. They are stagnant, uninspired and ultimately unhappy. They've given up and just accept what's going on. Don't do that. PUSH for the life you want and don't stop pushing until you see it happening.

Because I got hired at Angelini Osteria. Today was my first day on the clock. And after that, I went straight to Mozza because chef Chris told me he needed some help. I'm currently on the Angelini schedule and the Mozza schedule: I now have experience and money coming my way. I pushed for it and my persistence paid off. I worked 16 hours today and I am thoroughly exhausted... The world is pushing me again. But I'm giving it right back.


Whew. Hopefully now I can sleep.

Insight

Chef Gino walked around the kitchen today and gave everyone $5. I'm not really sure why and he mumbled something about everyone deserving tips. Haha, it was random but it was cool. Funny guy.

But for those of you who read my blog for insight on the ins and outs, reality, secrets and life of a cook, here is some insight:

My year to date income for 2012 is $5. Yes, the $5 chef Gino handed me this morning. And I doubt it will be any higher than $500 come September.

I told my parents that they will be seeing me in their home for quite some time. I've also decided to become a charity case and I'm now accepting personal checks, gas money and loose change. Hahaha, joking...

Kinda
;)

New adventures

Ciaooooooo!!! Sooooo.... as of about 2:30pm today, I got the official news that I will be returning to San Marino in July. I am returning to San Marino and I am returning to Righi la Taverna to work again for another three months. This last week has been FILLED with many mental ups and downs, changes, decisions, more changes, more decisions and finally (i think) a new beginning. Let's recap, shall we?

I flew back in to LA, feeling incomplete. Well, I was extremely happy to see my friends and family and also thrilled to be back in a city I know; after being out of my element for three months, it was nice to have some familiarity. But I left San Marino on very short notice and I left a job/internship that I did not get to finish. My mind and heart were set on being there until June. In my mind, it was a done deal. So to hear 6 days before I had to leave that my visa didn't work out was disappointing to say the least. I got home, saw my friends and family, explored the familiar city, got back in to work right away and then thought "now what?". Because that incomplete feeling was still lingering, growing stronger even. I filled the cravings (family, friends, familiar work, and yes, in n out was one too..)that had grown in me over the last few months and then didn't have a clue what my next move was. And that's where the work part comes in.

So I went back to Mozza, my home and training ground for the last almost two years. It was nice, it was familiar and it was satisfying. I started to butcher but I wasn't feeling it. Within two days, I knew something was off. I was also getting stir crazy. I was out and about in a big world for 3 months and then suddenly, I was home, where everything is familiar. Yes, I was craving familiarity so bad but I realized familiarity sometimes feels like a small room. From a giant world to a small room, I was definitely going a little crazy. I also started to realize that I can't spend my whole life traveling or staging. The last three months were an experience to BENEFIT me in the in real world where people have jobs and bills and obligations, not my ACTUAL real world. But I couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that being back felt like I had unfinished business somewhere else. And I needed a different kind of familiarity.

So I went to the closest thing I could think of to San Marino and Italy without actually going there. Chef Gino Angelini. The man that started this wholeeeee thing. If you remember, back in my first blog entry, my friend Debbie told me to talk with Chef Gino to get a job in San Marino. I met and talked with Gino once and that was all it took. I had a job. And by the way, Gino trained Chef Sartini, the chef I worked with in San Marino. Chef Sartini is his product. So I went to Gino in hopes of filling the part of me I left behind. Good choice, Ashley. Good choice.

I've been working with Gino for a few days now and his food and techniques are the closest thing to Italy without being in Italy. He speaks Italian, Spanish and English in the kitchen. He makes sure everyone eats and has coffee before, during and after work. He works on the line with us everyday, doing whatever it is that needs to get done. And he sings songs and dances on the line when things get crazy busy. He IS Italy. Born and raised in Rimini, the small town right next to San Marino. He filled the void. The food and menu filled the void. And on my third day, we sat down after the shift to eat family meal (the meal prepared for the employees), and Gino sat with me and poured me a glass of wine. Over our pasta and barolo, we talked about what I wanted, what we thought I needed in terms of my next move, and the future. He advised me to go back and finish what I started, my thoughts exactly and I didn't even have to tell him. He told me he would call Chef Sartini and make it happen. Again. Chef Gino has seen me for a total of four days and he cares enough to give me the world in the palm of my hands. Just like that. I tell him what I think and he makes it happen.

So today, I was butchering/cleaning a rack of lamb and I hear chef Gino scream from the office "ashleyyyyyyyy!!!!". I run over and Gino hands me the phone and says " it's chef sartini, he wants to say hello". I answer and Chef Sartini tells me whenever I want to come back to San Marino, it's no problem. (!!!!) So because of the whole visa thing, I tell him July, which is the earliest I can legally go back. I can hear the smile in his voice as he says no problem and laughs at my excitement. I think he likes me. Haha

So, here I am. Once again, getting myself into another adventure. Only this time, I am a little more prepared. At least I know what to expect: long hours, little to no sleep, communication frustration, etc. But I get to be surrounded by people and a country that revolve their lives around food and wine. I get to dissect the mind of a Michelin star chef in Italy and learn his techniques. I get to have my ass kicked in the name of food!! I've dedicated my life to food and learning the ways of producing great dishes. I'd say this is pretty severe dedication. And at the end of all this, I get to finish what I set out to do in the first place. Yeah it's difficult and very frustrating and not all fun. But it's valuable, unforgettable, and beautiful. It's worth it. It's so worth it.

Now

Yeah... So my visa didn't work and I am now home. Not the happiest camper right now but everything happens for a reason. It's hard, so very hard, to see the reason in this one. But it's there, I just have to wait. I miss Italy and traveling and being on the go so much already. I knew the visa wasn't going to work about 6 days before I actually had to leave which left me very little time left to enjoy everything. It was a sudden shock for me since I had made plans to stay until June. It feels like Italy and work was ripped away from me just when I was beginning to get a feel for things. But I talked with Chef Sartini and he wants me to come back as soon as I can, which would be about 90 days from now because there is a bunch of logistical paperwork bullshit that only allows an American citizen to be in the EU for 90 days within a 6 month period. It's stupid if you ask me, but what can you do?

I must think positive. There is a reason why I was sent home. A reason I am here and I reason I am here now. As difficult as it is to understand a situation that seems impossible to understand, I must. Because life goes on. And Italy isn't going anywhere... It will be there 3 months from now, 6 months from now, 5 years from now. And before I even came back, I decided that I wanted to persue learning butchering and meats, whether it was back at Mozza or a butcher shop or wherever. So when I walked in to Mozza yesterday to surprise everyone, I talked with Chef Chris and told him my idea. He looked at me and told me that the Mozza butcher is leaving in 15 days and if I was serious about this idea, I could be the morning butcher for Mozza...

My life. My crazy life.

How does this happen to me? How does it somehow work out? And when it doesn't seem to work out, when it seems like its all taken away, it still works out. Somehow. I don't know. But is mylife and I live it everyday.


So of now, I will learn the art of butchery. In Los Angeles. For now. Who knows where I will be in 3 months or 6 months or 5 years. But I'm living now and that's all I know. And I hope for the best. And yesterday, I told Chef Chris, "you know what I really want to learn??" and he says "let me guess, everything?". Hahaha spot on Chris, spot on. (since I know you read this)

:)

Cravingggg

Food is on my mind a lotttt these days. I have always thought about food but lately, it's all I think about. And my mind is starting to mix and match recipes and techniques that ive learned, now that i feel i have some sort of very small "data base". But my thoughts are nowhere near organized...my mind is just brainstorming ideas and it's like a tangled web.

Maybe it's just my mood today or what I am secretly craving, but my mind keeps going back to the Champagneria that I went to in Barcelona. Can Paixano. So basic (only sandwiches, a few small dishes and champagne) but so spot on. Noisy, crowded, delicious and dirt cheap. It had great traditional food of the region and appealed to the surrounding community. I want nothing more than to be there right now. Like, right now right now. Eating a prosciutto and cheese sandwich, sipping on rose cava and taking in the atmosphere. Ahhh...

Break it down

Now that I have a moment of time, let's break it down.

A little of the Righi la Taverna Menu. Lets start with pastry since that is what I currently know most of.

First and foremost:

--Semifreddo al cioccolato fondente con cuore di mascarpone e salsa alle amarene con spuma di birra!!!! Oh my god. How is this possibile?? Its my dream dessert and executed perfectly. In English, it is basically chocolate gelato that is on the firmer side. We form two disks and sandwich mascarpone whipped cream in the middle. There is a sour cherry sauce drizzled on the plate, with a few marinated cherries as well and then, the best part, a beer foam!! Beer foam! It's chocolate. It's cherries. And it's beer. It's incredible. I think it's genius because it's ingredients people are familiar and comfortable with, making it very popular, and it's traditional (semifreddo) but is playful (beer foam). It's a party in your mouth, basically.

--Raviolo di mandorle e cassata su zuppetta d'arance. English: almond ricotta ravioli in an orango soup. I like this one because it takes a usually savory dish (Raviolo and pomodori or any sauce for that matter) and makes it a dessert. It also makes use of seasonal ingredients, oranges. The hot ravioli is filled with a ricotta, almond, chocolate, orange zest mixture and the orange soup (zest, fruit, and juice) is served cold. Pretty interesting if you ask me.

--Crema di fave con gelatino di crue di cioccolato. Another oh my god. Are you kidding me? English: fava bean purée with chocolate gelatine. Ok, stop one second before you judge it to quickly. This dish is one of my favorites. At first, The combination of fava bean and chocolate sounds crazy, in a bad way. But the purée is made sweet and blended completely smooth as silk. A few fava beans are left whole for texture. Then, there are 3 different chocolate gelatins: one milk chocolate, one semisweet and the other dark. The flavor is great!! The texture is completely smooth except for a few whole favas and the color contrast on the dish is incredible. I have a picture and it's beautiful: almost a neon green with shades of brown. Genius, again.

--Passatelli al cacao con latte al rhum e croccante di nocciole. Again, this takes a usually savory dish and makes it a dessert. I also love this because passatelli is a very traditional pasta made in the Emilia Romagna region: it is a fresly made, very soft noodle, traditionally served in brodo(broth). But here, it is made into a chocolate version, served over a white chocolate rum soup/sauce topped with hazelnut brittle. Sooooo good. Playful take on tradition and savory. Creative and delicious.

Those are my top favorite desserts. The others are of course good but I had to deconstruct my favorites for you. :) plus, I'm proud to say that I can now make all of the above listed items! I've never worked pastry before in my life and honestly wasn't interested in it either. But after working it for a month, I have a new appreciation for the art and technique. And it's also good to know how to do a little of everything. Be well rounded right? Yes. That's it for now... I'll write about antipasti and primi next.

You're welcome. Again.

So this morning, I walk in to work and see a large white box with black stuff smeared on it. By the looks of it and from experience, I know what's in that box and I pray to god that it's not me that has to deal with it. It's near the sink with a couple trash buckets, a pairing knife and scissors... I know what that means. It's a large box of seppia (cuttlefish) that needs to get broken down and cleaned. But this box is bigger than the other times. It's a lot of cuttlefish... So I try to find something to make me look busy so I'm not chosen to clean ink and snot out of jelly like creatures.

No such luck. " Ashley, come over here and bring your towel". Shit.

From 830am to about 2 pm, I broke down and cleaned cuttlefish. I don't think it has ever taken me that long... But it was a lot of fish AND I was told that the fresher they are, the more difficult they are to clean. I guess it's good to know that Righi serves really fresh seppia. Because from trying to skin and gut and rinse seppia, it took me about 5 hours (I had a lunch break) to clean these damn things! It's hard enough just holding one in your hand, trying to decide which piece is what because it looks like a slimy white jelly blob and i have to seperate the pieces: eggs, head/shell thing, fins on the shell thing, tentacle legs, and another part I have no idea what it is. I also I have a trash bucket that gets filled with the eyes that I've gouged out with my thumbs, this bright orange brown liver looking thing (if seppia has a liver), and all the useless snot that is hidden in every crevice. All the skin gets thrown in the trash bucket too, which is similar to a stretchy slimy snake skin.

I don't know about you, but seppia seems like a useless creature. Yeah sure, it tastes great and the ink is pretty cool when it's used for black rice or black pasta. But the time, labor, and useless parts make seppia stupid. Yeah, stupid. I do not have a better word other than stupid, and now I sound like a child. Haha. But do me a favor and just google image "seppia" and imagine that and their insides all over your hands and arms for 5 hours.

:)

Hfsijejsmskaodlaldifn

God, there is so much I want to say right now and yet, I still don't have the time. Work here is my life. I wake up and work, get a break, and then work until I sleep at night. I don't know how the Italians do it but work is literally their life. I can do it now because I know it's temporary... But I could not do this forever. For sure. I want to write about the kitchen and food and what I'm doing and seeing and tasting so bad but I just never have time! I look like a hot mess. I'm lucky if I sleep five hours. I'm also lucky if I get to Skype my family. Usually, I have time or wifi for a short 5 minute fb chat. And just an update: my apartment stopped having hot air and hot water a few weeks ago and since, I've been sleeping on someone's couch and then finally moved in to the apartment next door. also, that date I went on when I first got here actually ended up going very well and is still going well :)))) a few bouquets of flowers and some home cooked Italian meals go a longggg way. Thanks Ricky! ;)

I would love more than anything to sit and type everything I'm thinking and feeling. And eating. But there is too much to do now and not enough time. I'm afraid my in depth menu breakdown of Righi and other places is just going to have to wait to a more available time. Sometime soon, I promise :) Oh do I promise. Sooner than you think

You're welcome

It's been awhile since I wrote and although I have much to say, I don't have a lot of time. But I will leave you all with this lovely comment:

If I have to clean the ink and snot gelly out of a bucket of squid and then peel the ridiculously difficult skin off one more time, I might just throw up.

Until next time :)

Capito

Today has been weird. No other words to describe it. But it hasn't been too far off from all my other days which brings me to believe my life is weird. Non lo so. But I got to work at 830, as always, having slept for about 5 or 6 hours, as always, after I worked the previous day for about 13 hours, as always. Betty and I started the day the same, her making the dough for bread and me setting up and writing our to do list. I went downstairs and back up countless times as always...the kitchen is on the third floor and the walk in fridge is on the first with an elevator used only to carry ingredients and equipment. The multiple trips up and down 3 floors is no biggie for me anymore and I've trained myself to go fast enough to beat the elevator anyways (if I skip steps and briskly walk through the bar, I win). I made recipes that I've made before here: moscato poached pears, piadina, crackers, cioccolato gelatina... But I still ask Betty for help every so often because I don't want to screw up anything.(it's an internal battle really- if I ask for help, I admit to not knowing or remembering what she has already shown me but if I dont ask for help, I risk doing it wrong and having to start over. Both are bad) I consider myself a fast learner but the combination of not understanding Italian directions, reading Italian recipes, and making food and pastries I've never made before to begin with because I've never worked pastry kinda slows me down! My ability to memorize recipes/ingredient names isn't as good and I admit to not remembering a lot of what Betty shows me Bless her heart, I know she has shown me a lot of things over and over. She has patience I wish I had.

But today, a comment was made about me not remembering anything. And I've heard her say this before but today, it didn't sit very well. Maybe I'm being sensitive or the little sleep day after day is catching up but in my mind, I'm working my ass off. I'm doing the best I can,always, and I'm totally doing a bunch of shit I've never done before. The comment oozed in to my mind as "it's not good enough" and I couldn't just brush it off this time. And during service, I got corrected/scolded, as usual, for things that I know better of. Do you know how frustrating it is to make such stupid stupid errors (plate 15 salads when I was clearly told 11, or make something completely different because 'pasta frolla' and 'pasta sfoglia' sound pretty much the same in my mind) because the directions are not computing in my head and its not what im used to? Everyday, I have people get frustrated with me, and I understand their frustration. But then after I fix the ridiculously stupid error for the millionth time, I can't even explain myself, like why I thought pasta frolla sounded like pasta sfoglia or why I can't count to 11. I don't have the words and they don't have the time to wait for me to get my Italian/English dictionary and try to form a sentence. So I just keep going. Head down, and go.

And after the fist service today, I was cleaning the dough mixer thing and I guess I dazed off because I heard Betty ask " are you ok?" and I was so deep in thought, it caught me off guard. Betty could tell something was up and she said "your family? Your home? Your work? Los Angeles?" and I lost it. I couldn't hold it together. And if there is one thing I can't stand, its crying in front of people. So I went to the bathroom, shut the door, and just stood there against the wall with my eyes closed. Tears streaming down my face, I stood in the bathroom stall until vivid images of all my comforts stopped. Because the truth is, its everything. It's the challenge and the beauty of my current life. I've held it together for this long and today, that felt like every other day, was my tipping point. It's like someone poking your arm over and over and over until you snap. Today, unexpectedly, I snapped and I found myself, in a bathroom, telling myself to get it together. When I walked out, Betty was standing there. And then she spoke to me, all in Italian. And I kid you not, I understood every word. She told me that it's ok to be upset because what I'm doing is difficult. I'm working a station I've never worked before and trying to perfect recipes that took her 5 years to understand. She said I don't understand Italian but she sees me watching and tasting and listening and feeling everything. She said the work itself is different but that when it comes to service and speed and soul, it's the same no matter where you go. And she hugged me and said that I was doing a good job. And walked away.

O_O

I stared at myself in the mirror and then told myself to get my ass back in that kitchen. Who cares how many stupid mistakes I make? Who cares how many times I get scolded for the same thing? Because after everything Betty said, my mind heard "I understand", and that's all I needed.

I have my only break today from 3-6 but i asked danilo if I could go in early to help with staff meal. Because I know that will make me feel better. Cooking is like a sick relationship. Haha. It can be so evil and draining and take up all your time... But when you're apart, it's all you think about and find ways of seeing each other. I should enjoy my break, since rest is scarce. But right now, nothing would make me feel more happy than to cook. I cook all day for six days a week and the only way I really enjoy my down time is cooking. Go figure



It reminds me of when Gato, a chef at Mozza, told me during one of my worst services (that I'll NEVER forget) "never stop moving. Keep going."

Crisis

Sudden realization today while eating #274829101 squacquerone, rucola, prosciutto piadina sandwich:

What the HELL am I going to do when I leave here and no longer have instant access to incredible food?! Doesn't matter where I go, I'll be away from fresh Piadina and fresh Stracchino and Squacquerone di San Patrignano, my all time favorite food and current obsession!!! Oh my god! I can get my hands on fresh arugula and pay a hefty price for prosciutto... And its a good thing I learned how to make piadina at work. But fresh stracchino or squacquerone???? Nothing compares, especially the squacquerone from san patrignano. I'm doomed. Done for. Finished.

Currently depressed. I better eat all the piadina sandwiches I can now while I'm still here. :)


And you think I'm joking...

The person I want to meet

Today= 2 months since I left home. Due mese fa. Hands down, thee LONGEST two months of my life. And I know I'm like a broken record when I say that I cannot express in words how much I've learned. Not even the quantity, but the quality of information- I've learned qualities that I will use forever and they are qualities that separate me from the rest. I've learned to be extremely in tune with my instincts and how I feel. I've also learned to take risks because no matter the outcome, it builds character. I've learned that it's ok to allow myself to feel every emotion because being numb is no way to live (I really hope a few certain people read that one). I've learned to dream...really really dream. And then live. I've learned to live no matter how scary it can be. I wrote ash an email about my doubts and fears and here was her response:

"you are living it up. You are conquering fears people don't DARE to imagine. And hey, you decided to take charge of your life- I think 90% of the time it's tough and rough when someone makes that choice. You are doing things people only dream of. Ash, you broke your box. Take a look at the pieces- the first thing you'll see is the chaos, destruction, disorder and mere outlines of what used to be. Ok, now close your eyes, kneel down and start feeling. Now step away and build the frame you want or maybe not do anything but linger in the broken pieces. Initially, they were broken pieces. Terror, but in a good way. They are broken for a moment before you realize it's still the same pieces, just in a different configuration and probably one FAR more interesting, more interesting to yourself. Same you in a new light. Let it marinate and reveal yourself to you- patience."

Smart girl, that Ashleigh!! Great metaphor. Because I feel completely out of place and yet, I'm trusting in that. I'm trusting in something that feels so utterly foreign and different. Trusting. And I find myself trusting that this foreign situation is beautiful and good. I would say I don't know why I am trusting it, but that would be a lie. I do know why: I am trusting in this foreign situation because I KNOW the me on the other side is waiting. I'm running a marathon now to greet myself on the other side. The me on the other side has been to hell and back, been humbled beyond what I thought was possible, and has lived in a way I never thought I could. I doubted myself. I said I could do this adventure because I wanted to so badly and dreamt about it, but I never thought it would actually happen. I want to meet the me that I dreamt about. And through this situation, trusting in what seems obscured, I WILL get to meet the me of my dreams. The me that I doubted and the me I never thought would actually happen. I get to meet her and even better, be her. Not just shake her hand... But actually live in the body of someone who existed in my dreams. THAT is the reason I trust in the unknown, the obsurd, the awkward, unfitting, difficult and mysterious. The me on the other side is the me of my dreams.

Be the person you want to meet

Journal game

Forgive me if this entry is confusing. It has a point, I promise :)


Aside from our blogs, Ashleigh and I both have been writing journals. The blogs are for family and friends and to share our experiences with the public but our journals are where all the good stuff is and are very very personal. If you ask either of us, these journals will never be seen by anyone other than ourselves. They hold all the secrets, information, and deepest thoughts. I think we would both agree that only SOME excerpts are ok to share from our journals. We both learned that when traveling, your journal is your best friend and ooooh boy, if my journal could talk, I would be in big trouble.

So back about a month ago, February 1st to be exact, Ashleigh and I were leaving Barcelona and headed for Rome. Although we were stoked about going to Italy, the land of food, we were both completely heartbroken about leaving Barcelona; we fell in love with the atmosphere, the people, and didn't want to leave. The morning of February 1st, ash and I sat in a coffee shop in Barcelona and reminisced about our trip so far, laughed and even shed a few tears. It was a moment of realization for the both of us: Where we started, what had happen, and how we were forever changed. Remembering everything from our lunch back in October when we initially imagined a European adventure to then, February 1st, having experienced the most incredible things and situations, ALL of which (positive and negative) will be fondly remembered.

Sitting in the coffee shop, February 1st, feeling a little blue, I told Ashleigh to open her journal to a random page and read line #6, no matter what it said. Hesitant (probaly from all the dirty secrets;) ), she did and oddly enough, it was EXACTLY what she needed to hear. It was like she was speaking to herself from the past. She picked a random page for me and I read it out loud as well. Again, the line that I had written myself was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Feeling so incredibly connected with our surroundings and feeling like we were exactly where we were suppose to be at that moment, we took time to write in our journals at the coffee shop. Some of my writing:

"Listen and feel. Trust in what's around you. It's suppose to happen. A quote from Rilke 'sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from foreign matter; so one must help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and break out with it, for that is its progress'. Be your own doctor and heal yourself."

Then, feeling inspired, Ashleigh and I traded journals and wrote each other a note on a random page, promising not to read it until we were actually using/writing on that page. We made this promise because we knew that when we eventually got to that random page, reading each others note would be exactly what we needed to hear in that moment.

So guess what I stumbled upon today? And guess what it was that felt so good to read? :) ash wrote a Rilke quote, one of my favorites:

"And your doubt may become a good quality if you train it. It must become knowing, it must become critical. Ask it... Why something is ugly, demand proofs from it, test it, and you will find it perplexed and embarrassed perhaps, or perhaps rebellious. But don't give in... And the day will arrive when from a destroyer it will become one of your best workers- perhaps the cleverest of all that are building at your life."

Beautiful. Simply beautiful. And I have no other words except thank you Ashleigh. She knew that writing that on this page of my journal in Barcelona on February 1st would find me well early on March 3rd in San Marino, just after asking my parents when things are suppose to get easier. Thank you Ashleigh. And because of stumbling upon this, it made me go back to the page in my journal on February 1st and re read everything from that day. I told myself then to trust in my surroundings and here I am now, telling myself the same thing.

Full circle moment

Humbling

I'm at that stage at work right now where I can basically do nothing right. My newness has worn off and they aren't as forgiving for the mistakes I make. It's extremely frustrating because I KNOW I can do the job and I KNOW I'm not an idiot... But I make stupid mistakes because I can't understand what they are asking me to do. I feel like some people are still being patient with me and understanding about the language thing, but others are becoming less patient. The last two days in particular have been challenging and I can feel the frustration of others towards me. It's a sucky feeling. If I could only express to them that I really am trying, I'm not an idiot and I if I could understand the directions asked of me, all of this would be better. Ahhhh!!

It's a very humbling experience to not be able to explain or defend myself. It's teaching me a lot about handling situations in general. Since I am not able to defend myself clearly, I stand back and take the criticism or blame even though I KNOW better or that it wasn't even my fault. I sit back and I take it. Everytime. Because I don't know the words or have the capability to defend myself. Its humbling to say the least but also eye opening because I realized that sometimes saying absolutely nothing or accepting the criticism regardless of how I feel is better than anything I cold possibly say. Sometimes, it's better to just keep my mouth shut. And its not until the frustration subsides that I see this. I look back and think of all the things I could have said and thank god I just kept my trap shut. Sometimes, it's jot worth the argument. And at the end of all this, they may or may not misjudge me and see me as an idiot, they may or may not see me as slow or inexperienced, but they sure as hell will never see me as someone who argues or talks back. I'll be the person that always nodded their head, accepted the situation and kept going. I'm hoping thos phase dies out soon because it's wearing on me. To always be wrong, or too slow, or making dumb mistakes that I know better of but can't seem to overcome.

On a positive note, aside from work, living here is pretty cool. It's a different way of life and really sets my priorities in order. I have no tv, wifi on rare occassons and nothing but work and sleep to fill my day. My favorite thing to do now is walk to work for my second shift, listen to Ray Lamontagne on my iPod, and watch the most beautiful sunset as I hike the mountain to the kitchen. Il tramonto é sempre molto bello. Bellissimo!!! It's always breathtakingly orange and red and it always sets just beyond the landscape of incredibly beautiful white rolling hills (now somewhat green because the snow is melting). :) I feel like I live in a bubble. I am so out of touch with current events, I didn't know it was march 1st or that yesterday was leap year. I have no idea what is going on in LA and only know about my work here. Everyday, I only know my to-do list. That's it. Haha it's a little strange getting used to, if I'll ever get used to it but I must admit, it's a nice change. To only know about what's going on in front of me. I couldn't live like this forever, but for now, it's nice. I'm extremely focused on what I'm learning, I suppose. It's like my culinary school since I never went.

When I don't work, I walk 20 minutes one way to do laundry. Im definitely asking someone to drive me next time since San Marino is a town on a hill. I also drink beer, learn traditional Italian pasta dishes, and learn italian bad words in the car when ALWAYS lost with Riccardo. Hahaha he is my neighbor, coworker, and a genuinely honest and generous person. I also go to the nearby town of Rimini to have amazing pizza (made with fresh leavening, a huge difference) with Danilo (linguine), Betty (fresca mama), and Sergio (palline). Their nicknames developed somehow instantly and stuck. :) San Marino is feeling more and more comfortable as I get in to the swing of things. My Italian speaking seems like its taking the longest time but I suppose that's just me being impatient. Everyone keeps telling me that it gets better and I can't wait any longer for that to happen. Haha ahhhhh!!!

Anyways, I'm done drooling over the most beautiful man in the world at this cafe and need to put my iPod on, walk to work and watch the sunset. Ciao!