Where the wind is

Alright, here is where I am. Have you ever felt like you haven't been somewhere long enough to feel like youre family, like you belong? And at the same time, have you ever felt like you have been away from a place too long to feel that you don't belong anymore? Maybe it's just me, and I'm really not trying to sound dramatic, but it's really how I feel. I feel like I live in a bubble. Since I've been back, I don't quite belong anywhere. I don't elong where I used to be anymore and I don't belong where I want to be quite yet. I'm in this really weird middle area. Maybe it's me separating myself from everything...maybe it my own paranoia, but I really don't feel a sense of belonging anywhere. I wake up, do my thing, keep to myself and I literally live in a bubble. I'm physically here in LA but I'm not really here. I feel so spaced out all the time, like I am in another world, and it's sometimes scary how I don't remember things. I am counting down the days until I go back to Italy... My mind is already there, and I think my heart is too. So the only thing that is here in LA is this shell of a body, and I realize that's no way to live. It's not ok to live somewhere in order to pass the time to get to your next destination. I know I should be living here, while I am here. I should live life. But I can't help this bubble feeling, this passing time feeling, and this shell feeling. I don't know how to snap out of it and I don't know what can make me feel like I am actually here. And at the end of it all, I don't know if I want to change this feeling. Do I want to be here right now? It's really really odd, this mindset that I am in right now. Like I, my soul and heart, are separated from my physical being and I am looking at myself. Debbie told me its the growing phase that I'm still going through. And I believe her because it makes sense... But I didn't know it would feel this odd. And foreign. I started reading "the sun also rises" by Ernest Hemingway... I'm in to these classic authors and poets nowadays because I feel like the closer I get to self realization and awareness, the further I get from immediate surroundings and the closer I relate to abstract thoughts Haha. Anyways, I opened the book and my jaw dropped. On the page in the beginning of the book, where the author dedicates or thanks someone, Hemingway quoted Ecclesiastes saying "...the wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits..." !!!!! My god! That sounds familiar! Sounds like the quote that I blogged about in "living" on 1/18/12 after seeing it engraved on the side of the Westminster Abbey in London. I read it, and put the book down. As so much has changed between now and then, so many things are different and I have a new set of priorities, the quote still means the same to me. That I am currently on this journey, this wild journey. I am still whirling about, whirling continuously. It's strange how life shows you something and then reminds you of it after you have nearly forgotten it and yet, it still has the same meaning after everything has changed. This quote was revealed to me in London, at a time where it made perfect sense... And I have since nearly forgotten about it until today. I read it, and although everything is different, it still made perfect sense. I don't know why the world works the way it does but it's timing is impeccable. Now... Let me return to my bubble


  1. If Hemingway hits you, try Steinbeck too. "East of Eden" hit me to the core (the overarching themes, the journey, etc).


  2. POP!!! Your family is your anchor! XOXOXOXOXOX Ok...sail away or blow or whatever you need to do but always remember we are here for you! Always! *inflate* Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :D