I've been awake for the last 20 hours. I've worked for 16 of them and the other 4 were spent randomly, either getting ready for my day, driving to work or ending my day with friends and a margarita. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired but I find myself without the ability to close my eyes and fall asleep because I have this one nagging thought. This one thought is running through my mind and MUST be so important that it is keeping me from resting.
I made money today for the first time this year (no, this isn't the thought keeping me awake... I'm getting to that). I have been home for almost one month, not quite, and I've done nothing but worry, question, obsess and complain about the fact that I have no money and no source of income. I had just enough money left from my European adventure to buy my next ticket to Italy to start another adventure; I could afford to get there but had no idea of how I would stay there. After coming back, I was so mixed about where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do next that I threw myself into the closest thing I could find to Italy. Well... I've spent the last three weeks working for free for Angelini Osteria because I WANTED to be there so bad. Gino told me he wasn't currently hiring, but it didnt matter to me. I kept showing up because he was the closest to Italy I was going to get and I wanted HIS experience so much that money was secondary. In the mean time, I constantly told chef Chris that if he needed an extra hand at Mozza, I would be available because I needed the money. For the last three weeks, I've been stressing out about how my next trip to Italy financially would work. I cried about it. And I tried thinking of all my possible options of making money while in the mean time, working for free somewhere, because I valued the experience, and praying that my help was needed. I just kept going and I didn't stop. I wanted to make money and I wanted to keep gaining experience, so I pushed, despite what I was told.
And THAT is the thought that is keeping me awake. To push and to keep pushing. Because the world is going to push you and not stop. It's going to push you until you think you've reached your limit or are just sick of being pushed. But... NEVER. STOP. PUSHING. BACK! Ever. And by push, I don't mean to resist what the world is pushing at you. I simply mean that whatever cards are dealt to you, do whatever it takes to make them work in your favor. and don't stop. I've seen people that stop pushing. They are stagnant, uninspired and ultimately unhappy. They've given up and just accept what's going on. Don't do that. PUSH for the life you want and don't stop pushing until you see it happening.
Because I got hired at Angelini Osteria. Today was my first day on the clock. And after that, I went straight to Mozza because chef Chris told me he needed some help. I'm currently on the Angelini schedule and the Mozza schedule: I now have experience and money coming my way. I pushed for it and my persistence paid off. I worked 16 hours today and I am thoroughly exhausted... The world is pushing me again. But I'm giving it right back.
Whew. Hopefully now I can sleep.