Today= 2 months since I left home. Due mese fa. Hands down, thee LONGEST two months of my life. And I know I'm like a broken record when I say that I cannot express in words how much I've learned. Not even the quantity, but the quality of information- I've learned qualities that I will use forever and they are qualities that separate me from the rest. I've learned to be extremely in tune with my instincts and how I feel. I've also learned to take risks because no matter the outcome, it builds character. I've learned that it's ok to allow myself to feel every emotion because being numb is no way to live (I really hope a few certain people read that one). I've learned to dream...really really dream. And then live. I've learned to live no matter how scary it can be. I wrote ash an email about my doubts and fears and here was her response:
"you are living it up. You are conquering fears people don't DARE to imagine. And hey, you decided to take charge of your life- I think 90% of the time it's tough and rough when someone makes that choice. You are doing things people only dream of. Ash, you broke your box. Take a look at the pieces- the first thing you'll see is the chaos, destruction, disorder and mere outlines of what used to be. Ok, now close your eyes, kneel down and start feeling. Now step away and build the frame you want or maybe not do anything but linger in the broken pieces. Initially, they were broken pieces. Terror, but in a good way. They are broken for a moment before you realize it's still the same pieces, just in a different configuration and probably one FAR more interesting, more interesting to yourself. Same you in a new light. Let it marinate and reveal yourself to you- patience."
Smart girl, that Ashleigh!! Great metaphor. Because I feel completely out of place and yet, I'm trusting in that. I'm trusting in something that feels so utterly foreign and different. Trusting. And I find myself trusting that this foreign situation is beautiful and good. I would say I don't know why I am trusting it, but that would be a lie. I do know why: I am trusting in this foreign situation because I KNOW the me on the other side is waiting. I'm running a marathon now to greet myself on the other side. The me on the other side has been to hell and back, been humbled beyond what I thought was possible, and has lived in a way I never thought I could. I doubted myself. I said I could do this adventure because I wanted to so badly and dreamt about it, but I never thought it would actually happen. I want to meet the me that I dreamt about. And through this situation, trusting in what seems obscured, I WILL get to meet the me of my dreams. The me that I doubted and the me I never thought would actually happen. I get to meet her and even better, be her. Not just shake her hand... But actually live in the body of someone who existed in my dreams. THAT is the reason I trust in the unknown, the obsurd, the awkward, unfitting, difficult and mysterious. The me on the other side is the me of my dreams.
Be the person you want to meet